State Of Nothingness: Mentally occupied with nothing.

When you feel completely down and useless and cannot place your hand on the reason why. My friend said it happens once in a life time, but can we go back to when it began, was it really love at first sight. To be honest, it was more like fan at first sight, but over time it grew and became what it is today. So the question is why can’t others be like that, why can’t I grow in love with them. I have heard rebound is the ideal way to start, but this is not starting, I have been at this point countless times, I am beginning to accept that the issue is me, I must be doing something wrong, and this is certain because I am doing something. Next thing is to do nothing, absolutely nothing.

No joy is derived from doing something, you only hurt because an effort was made, nothing more. I can look back and see similar traits, countless break-ups in between, trying to please and be pleased, essential effort on trying to be happy and calm, at this same time encouraging yourself that happiness is often overrated and should not be taken with so much seriousness.

Then you ask yourself was he the best life had to offer, or were you his best, the latter is more preferred as it means in the future when you meet, you will be glad and say like the song “I was the best you never had” but if it’s the first it would be a sad case of regret as other guys that come after will never surpass him and you ultimately made the wrong decision. Listening to the last conversation you realize it was for the best, you rather not have any than to be treated like a beggar, when you are a Queen in your own right. You don’t want a guy that will spit on you and you begin to apologize for not opening your mouth. You would rather be home chilling directing energy to other things asides the other side of your bed, It’s funny how the opposite sex completes you, but a deeper revelation of how the Nuns survive maybe a better guide. One thing I must always take with me is to NEVER REGRET MY ACTIONS but LEARN FROM THEM, as difficult as it may sound is the only way you walk down with your heads high and not a suicidal note filled with depression.

A friend’s feedback:


If you feel you’re doing something wrong… I agree you don’t do anything at all. Love will find you and when it does, you’ll then be able to put the bits together. You will get a perfect explanation of why things were the way they were.  And the answer is “the good and the supposedly better were giving way for the BEST! Like every other aspects of life and the things we crave, it requires prayer.

God will save the best for the last. xoxo




“When I, like/am attracted/have feelings for, someone, I go out of my way to show them and let them know that I do.” That’s what a friend told me when I was on the phone with her the other night. She was talking about her crushes past and past, about how she always goes the extra mile to show and tell them how she felt. And then I tried to tell her how I also show that I like someone but I couldn’t say anything, because I have never thought about it at all. I thought my methods were the same as hers and everybody else. Then I realized that all I always did that for everybody, those I had feelings for and even those that I’m just trying to bang. I tried to find that what I did or said that made me realize that I had feelings for someone and it was genuine and not those manipulative stunts I pull.

I am not normal. I know everybody says this about themselves because they have this train of thought that normal is boring. But normal isn’t boring, normal is comfortable. But I don’t mean it that way. Psychologically, I am far from normal. The things that makes most people tick seem to be skewed when it comes to me. I am moved by the unusual of things, I notice the same things about people form a very different and weird perspective. For a Nigerian, I listen to the most unusual of songs (folk music with artists like Birdy, Nina Nesbitt, Damien Rice, Gabrielle Aplin and Christina Novelli). I have been told that I like thinking left more times than I can count.

When thinking about what I did or said differently to let a girl know that I have feelings for her and that those feelings were real, two things were obvious; either I put it in words or I did it with actions. But after running through a mental list of every girl in my life, I realized that I did either one of those two things for everyone that I wanted to bang or date. Saying it or acting it was never a clear indicator of how I felt for someone.

With the first girlfriend, it was words. With the second, it was words and actions. With the third, it was words, with the fourth, it was also words. And for every girl I crushed on that I never dated, it was just words. I realized that I never really had romantic/affectionate feelings for any of them, with the second being an exception and then those feelings were because of my mind wanting to feel and not really me feeling. It wasn’t real and raw. The realization was both horrifying and liberating. It was horrifying because it means that before this year, I have only ever had real feelings for one girl. It was liberating because it afforded the opportunity to be self-aware of my emotions and mind and to know when something could be real. I won’t tell you who the girl is, but if she ever reads this post, she’ll know.

How do I know when what I feel is real? How would you know when I am real?

Whenever I tell a girl I have feelings for her, it is just to recognize the fact that I am attracted to her and nothing else. It really doesn’t mean anything. But the way I let a girl know that I have feelings for her and that I mean those feelings that they are real is, I let my guard down. I let myself be vulnerable. I open myself up to be possibility of being hurt, I lay myself bare. This sounds tricky I know. But it finds a way to show in my actions, what I say and how I choose to say it. Even the girl for whom I did let my guard down never noticed this.

It really isn’t rocket science. Only I know when I have let my guard down and you if you are perceptive enough. My constant state of mind is the typical guy’s own when he lets his guard down. So my natural disposition is like my guard is down which can be pretty deceiving. So if you know me, you should be able to figure out when my guard is down if ever I let it down for you.

Day 14: To Whom It May Concern – LETTER TO AN EX


I am sorry we broke up. Really, I am.

Because you were wonderful, maybe even the best I have ever had. Why wouldn’t you be? That’s what drew me to you. But while you were wonderful in your own unique ways, I guess I just wasn’t enough or should I say; the distance was too much. I know 6 months is a very long time without seeing the person you loved. I could endure that but what I didn’t realize was that you couldn’t. You were fragile and I was trying too hard to build you up.

Looking back, I think the fragility was what endeared me to you. Our friends called us the perfect couple; they can’t even believe that we are no longer together. I can, not because I was a cynic and thought you would leave me but because like everything else in life; people always leave, it doesn’t matter whether they want to or not. In the end, they leave.

Up till this day, I still don’t get the real reason why you left; I don’t believe the story about the text. Or maybe I know the real reason and I just don’t want to say it out loud because I like the image of you that I have in my mind and that is the only good thing I have.

I still love you, I can never stop loving you (believe me, I have tried). And even if I find someone else, what I will feel for them will never be as much as what I will always feel for you. It doesn’t matter whether that someone has better qualities than you, there was a way in which you complimented me and made us fit that I don’t think anybody else can ever match. You gave me the best one year of my life and for that I am forever grateful.


Day 7: Give and Take – HIS & HER

“I love you”, she said.

They were sitting on a bench under the almond tree, as they do every night. It had become their usual spot. This night was like any other night; cold, with different couples scattered around them. He had his hand around her shoulders and seemed to be lost in thought listening to a silent tune. She looked at his face and saw that faraway look that he normally had like he was looking into time itself. Not tonight, she thought and then jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. That seemed to bring him back.

“Sorry”, he muttered, “I guess I was doing that again”.

“Yes, you were”

“OK then, I repeat, I am sorry”, he turned to face her, “what were you saying?”

“I said I love you”, she repeated.

“Oh, that?” he kept quiet and looked straight ahead. By now she was already getting annoyed. Why can’t he just say it back? , she thought. He started whistling a tune, and she was already opening her mouth to chew him out when he turned to face her and he had the smile.

“I know that you love me, Kay, and I love you too”. He said

“Was that so hard?”

“Was what so hard?” he said with a knowing smile.

“Telling me you love me too”

“No, it wasn’t hard at all. Why would you think it was hard for me?”

“Because of all the silence and the time it took you to say it back”

“Oh, does that bother you?”

“Yes, it does. You always take your time to say even the simplest of words. A common yes or no might take a full minute for you to say”

He burst out laughing. By now, she was ready to go back to her room. She was standing up when he reached out and held her hand.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, he said.

“It’s not funny”

“I know it’s not funny. It’s just that I didn’t realize you were timing how long I take to say my words”

“I wasn’t timing anything”, she defended, “I’m just making a point”

“And I got your point”, he stood up and went to kneel in front of her.

“What are you doing? Stop it” She was getting embarrassed.

“Just hold on” he said, he took her hand, and looked into her eyes for a few seconds until she looked away. “What does it matter if it takes me an hour to say what I want to say? All that matters is that I mean what I say, and I mean it when I say I love you”

“I know you do she said, but do you always have to take time before you say it?”

“No, I don’t”

“Then why do you do that?”

“Nothing really, I just like to see the look on your face when I do it”, he said

“Urgh!!! You, my love, are insufferable. I don’t get why you have to think about everything including love”

“Because someone has to do that for the two of us and you are happy not being that person so that leaves me”

“I hate you”

“I know, that’s why I love you too”

Day 3: Writing Habit – THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

Celebrate three songs that are significant to you. Let the emotions and memories connected to this song carry you. I could celebrate 20 songs that evoke emotions and memories within me but I am going to try and pick the 3 that has the most significant memories behind it. I will be putting down a list of the songs that have significance with me; as far back as I can remember;

Simple Plan – Welcome to my life
Kate Voegele – Unfair
Jay Z – Forever Young
Kanye West – Through the Wire
Jay Z – History
Imagine Dragons – Demons
Bette Midler – P.S I love You
The Pogues – Love you till the End
Christina Perri – Human
Jason Walker _ Everybody Lies
A Great Big World – Say Something
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the Wall

The reason why I picked these songs was because the lyrics are something that I can relate to; when I hear them I feel like they are the words I should be telling someone or myself. But the most significant memory right now is my one year relationship with Hera (let’s call her that, since she always said she was my queen). So the three songs are the ones relate to a memory in that relationship albeit in different phases.

The Pogues – Love you Till the End
This was like the anthem of my relationship with her. And P.S I love You fans know what I was talking about. This song played in the beginning when holly (Hilary Swank) and Gerry (Gerald Butler) were fighting. Even after the fight, they couldn’t stay mad at each other till the next morning. You can’t go wrong with this song. And I picked it because this was the only film I watched with her and the song stuck. After that day, every text I sent her ended with “P.S I love You”. Anytime I hear the song, my mind goes back to that day, when we watched the film. It was the only time I ever shed a tear in her presence.

A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera – Say Something
Hera broke up with me because of a questionable text that she got on her phone, but I don’t think that was the real reason. I believe it was a result of the distance between us at the time, we where about 300 miles of bad roads apart and only talked on the phone and chatted. Around the time we broke up, I was going through a very deep and the longest depression spell I had ever been through, 7 months. So I was a little distant, the calls and text were few and between. This song came out in September of 2013, 4 months after we broke up and whenever, I hear it, and it’s like a summary of everything she was trying to tell me during my dark period which I never told her about. It felt like if I had only said something, maybe it would be different right now.

Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk; I learn to play on the same side so I don’t get hurt. Yup, the nature of the breakup and the few events after made it hard for me to ever fully trust anybody ever again. And it’s because of her. I can confidently say that I no longer open up to anyone because “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE”

Other songs which almost made this top 3 are Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the wall (The chorus is all I listen to) which became m anthem during my dark period and Christina Perri – Human ( just read the lyrics) which are full of words I wish I had told her.

So there you have it.

Moved to Tears – The Art That Touches

So I stumbled on Daily Posts’ prompt for today. This is to write on a recent tear-jerking expression.

I like to think of myself as a logically emotional person. This is to say that while I shed the tear like everyone else, I do not shed it on a consistent basis. So in my adherence to the daily prompt for today, I will be giving 5 artistic forms (movies & books) that have moved me to shed a tear, even a single tear.

One recurring theme is that one particular action moved me to tears; one person was willing to put another person’s happiness over their own even at the cost of their life.

So without further foreplay and in no particular order, these are the movies and books that moved me to shed that tear;

A Walk to Remember  I watched the movie before I have read the book and it was boring. Because no movie can ever truly    interpret a book or even come close to describing the book, except The Godfather & P.S I Love You. So   when I was only too eager to read the book when I got it, and I have to say, it was a big mistake. Never have I been so moved by words or by a story, no matter how fictional it is.

Note: I haven’t read The Fault in Our Stars & P.S I Love You.
“When I was seventeen, my life changed forever”
That I believe, but it was Jamie Sullivan who made me cry. She is the blandest, most ordinary, drama-free female character that I have ever seen in a romantic book. I can’t point to one particular scene or page that mead me shed that tear. I just know that at some point in the book, my eyes where wet.
“First you will smile, and then you will cry— don’t say you haven’t been warned.”
I guess Mr. Sparks got that one right.

John QThis isn’t a romantic movie but it is a story of love. The love of a parent for his child who was dying.
I enjoyed the hostage situation thing and all. But when Denzel Washington offered to give his son his own heart, literally, my own heart stopped. It was moving. It was one of the purest sacrifices I have ever seen, giving our own life for someone else.
Now whenever I hear the same old talk that women love their children more than men, I just shake my head and accept that they don’t and can’t know. We guys just love in a different way from girls.


ChampionI have dystopian novels. It gives order or purpose to a world that is chaos. Not that there isn’t order in our current world, but the order lies in the chaos. Dystopian novels gives everybody a status, value and purpose right from the day they are born, and while our current world does the same, it at least creates the possibility that one’s status and value can change, dystopian worlds don’t give that possibility. I love chaos; there is too much order in chaos than order in order.
That said I finished the three books in the series because I like to at least finish what I start.
And the end was anti-climactic for me. This is because I expected that Day and June would finally be together without any problems and get to live together, blah blah blah. But Marie Lu had other ideas, June could have still gotten the ending she wanted but Tess’s words came back to her; “Be good to him” and the only way she thought she could do that was to set him free.
How many people in today’s world could actually leave the person they really love if it means that person will be happy in the long run??

the fault in our starsI have watched the movie and am yet to read the book. It was heart-rending. I was moved from the beginning to the end. It taught me that anybody can find love irrespective of their condition or state.
Moving on, it was Hazel’s practice eulogy to Augustus that made moved me. There are no words to describe what she said so I’ll just put it up here.

My name is Hazel. Augustus Waters was the great star-crossed love of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won’t be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Gus knew. Gus knows. I will not tell you our love story, because—like all real love stories—it will die with us, as it should. I’d hoped that he’d be eulogizing me, because there’s no one I’d rather have. . . . . . . . Okay, how not to cry. How am I—okay. Okay.

I can’t talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

Added to it was the whole movie that led up to that eulogy. I am not ashamed to say that a tear was shed.

P.S I Love YouMy personal best romantic movie of all time. One of the reasons was that I watched this movie in 2012 with my ex-girlfriend who happens to be the only person I have ever and may ever have real feelings for. And she cried at the end of the movie, my eyes got wet partly because I do my best not to make her cry and seeing her shed a tear because of something beautiful, I was moved. I think this is what made my best romantic movie of all time, because it was one of the only times that I have ever felt serene and without a care in the world except for that one person. The movie was great, and I was impressed with Gerry’s love for Holly that even in death, he did all he could to help her move on.


jack and roseNote: Special mention because, I was 9 when I watched it and I have only watched this movie once and I didn’t even start from the beginning.
It was showing on late night TV and I started watching when the Ship had already started sinking.
Now the picture you see is what made me cry.
Objectively speaking, Rose is an evil bitch, because that board could have it two people without sinking, I’m not really sure, but that’s not the point. The reason why I called her an evil bitch was because not once did I hear her offer Jack a space on the board.

What moved me to tears: It’s a life or death situation and here is a girl you barely know for more than 5 months yet you offer to save her life even at the cost of your own. I was young and couldn’t understand it, even now that I understand it; I can’t say that I will do it. It was touching and emotionally crazy. I think I cried myself to sleep that night.


So there you have it. Five Artistic expressions that moved me to tears. I am certain there are others but these take home the prize


Goodbye Fornever

I know some people who will want to argue the above picture and try to point out some permanence in life. But let us be objective, The only permanent Thing in life is change.

And due to the temporary nature of concepts in Life, People come into your life and then they leave. It’s never anybody’s fault when it happens, it’s just one of those things which you can’t really explain.

I used to be one of those people who, despite the obvious fact that a friendship isn’t working anymore, tend to hang onto those people. I wasn’t of low self-esteem or clingy or any of that. I just felt like nothing is irreparable and everybody needs a chance no matter what.

Sometime toward the end of last year, I was putting together a list of things I wanted to do or achieve before I turned 25. At some point, I realized that in order the the fulfillment of this list to mean something to me, I needed to move on and I had to cut some people loose from my life.

I went through my address book and discovered that connection had gone cold with over 60% of my contact list. I was moved when I realized I was going to cut out a great deal of people from my life. I knew my social life would suffer a blip if I went ahead with the cutout so I decided to give them all a chance.

For two weeks, I called & texted those friends just to try and re-establish contact and from their response, I knew who would stay and who would go. I develop a mantra for friendship while doing this; “I will only try to be friends with people who want to be friends with me”. It doesn’t matter how much I like you, If you don’t show you want me , I won’t want you.

During this Phase, I let go of past crushes, current crushes, exes, male friends and more. Some were painful, Some were not. The most painful one was Patience.
But it was necessary.

I deleted them from my address books, chat applications but left them on my Facebook just in case they want another chance.

It’s hard to let people go but it’s necessary in order to move on. Truth is I have less friends in my life now, which leaves me bored sometimes but I am happy and in a place where I want to be.

So this is to all those people that I don’t talk to anymore; It wasn’t anybody’s fault