ON MOVING ON AND LETTING GO

WRITTEN BY A FRIEND

State Of Nothingness: Mentally occupied with nothing.

When you feel completely down and useless and cannot place your hand on the reason why. My friend said it happens once in a life time, but can we go back to when it began, was it really love at first sight. To be honest, it was more like fan at first sight, but over time it grew and became what it is today. So the question is why can’t others be like that, why can’t I grow in love with them. I have heard rebound is the ideal way to start, but this is not starting, I have been at this point countless times, I am beginning to accept that the issue is me, I must be doing something wrong, and this is certain because I am doing something. Next thing is to do nothing, absolutely nothing.

No joy is derived from doing something, you only hurt because an effort was made, nothing more. I can look back and see similar traits, countless break-ups in between, trying to please and be pleased, essential effort on trying to be happy and calm, at this same time encouraging yourself that happiness is often overrated and should not be taken with so much seriousness.

Then you ask yourself was he the best life had to offer, or were you his best, the latter is more preferred as it means in the future when you meet, you will be glad and say like the song “I was the best you never had” but if it’s the first it would be a sad case of regret as other guys that come after will never surpass him and you ultimately made the wrong decision. Listening to the last conversation you realize it was for the best, you rather not have any than to be treated like a beggar, when you are a Queen in your own right. You don’t want a guy that will spit on you and you begin to apologize for not opening your mouth. You would rather be home chilling directing energy to other things asides the other side of your bed, It’s funny how the opposite sex completes you, but a deeper revelation of how the Nuns survive maybe a better guide. One thing I must always take with me is to NEVER REGRET MY ACTIONS but LEARN FROM THEM, as difficult as it may sound is the only way you walk down with your heads high and not a suicidal note filled with depression.

A friend’s feedback:

Abso-freaking-lutely!!

If you feel you’re doing something wrong… I agree you don’t do anything at all. Love will find you and when it does, you’ll then be able to put the bits together. You will get a perfect explanation of why things were the way they were.  And the answer is “the good and the supposedly better were giving way for the BEST! Like every other aspects of life and the things we crave, it requires prayer.

God will save the best for the last. xoxo

NM.

Day 14: To Whom It May Concern – LETTER TO AN EX

 

I am sorry we broke up. Really, I am.

Because you were wonderful, maybe even the best I have ever had. Why wouldn’t you be? That’s what drew me to you. But while you were wonderful in your own unique ways, I guess I just wasn’t enough or should I say; the distance was too much. I know 6 months is a very long time without seeing the person you loved. I could endure that but what I didn’t realize was that you couldn’t. You were fragile and I was trying too hard to build you up.

Looking back, I think the fragility was what endeared me to you. Our friends called us the perfect couple; they can’t even believe that we are no longer together. I can, not because I was a cynic and thought you would leave me but because like everything else in life; people always leave, it doesn’t matter whether they want to or not. In the end, they leave.

Up till this day, I still don’t get the real reason why you left; I don’t believe the story about the text. Or maybe I know the real reason and I just don’t want to say it out loud because I like the image of you that I have in my mind and that is the only good thing I have.

I still love you, I can never stop loving you (believe me, I have tried). And even if I find someone else, what I will feel for them will never be as much as what I will always feel for you. It doesn’t matter whether that someone has better qualities than you, there was a way in which you complimented me and made us fit that I don’t think anybody else can ever match. You gave me the best one year of my life and for that I am forever grateful.

I AM TRYING TO FORGET YOU BUT I AM ALSO WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK.

Day 5: Be Brief – MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

While setting out for his daily four mile run down the beach, he had only one thing on his mind; to complete the run as he always did every morning. He normally told people that he did it to keep fit but deep inside; he alone knew the real reason. Dressed in a black tank top, shorts and running shoes, he began the run slowly at first building up a consistency that he would apply throughout the run till the end.

Halfway into the run, he stepped on the ground and heard glass shattering. He hadn’t seen it, so he cursed silently that he had let his mind wander off again to the same thoughts he tried to run from every morning. Looking down he saw he had stepped on a bottle. As he bent down to inspect, he noticed a neatly folded piece of paper lying near the bench with shards of broken glass around it by the sidewalk.

He was torn between continuing on his run and finding out what the paper might be. He continued running but few steps forward and he found himself turning back. He picked up the paper and discovered it had writing on it. He held it up and discovered it was a note dated only yesterday. So he read;

Patrick,

It has been 3 weeks since you left and I blame myself.
I shouldn’t have acted the way I did and I am sorry.
I find myself wishing every night that I had done things differently
but it is done and I can only try o move forward.
Please come back because home doesn’t feel like home without you anymore.
I am sorry.

Kayla.

He had tears in his eyes when he finished reading. His name was Patrick and her name was Kayla but this wasn’t from her. It had been 500 days since they fought and he never got the chance to say he was sorry for she died 11 days later. This wasn’t his and he wished he knew who it was for so he could help give it back.

Day 3: Writing Habit – THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

Celebrate three songs that are significant to you. Let the emotions and memories connected to this song carry you. I could celebrate 20 songs that evoke emotions and memories within me but I am going to try and pick the 3 that has the most significant memories behind it. I will be putting down a list of the songs that have significance with me; as far back as I can remember;

Simple Plan – Welcome to my life
Kate Voegele – Unfair
Jay Z – Forever Young
Kanye West – Through the Wire
Jay Z – History
Imagine Dragons – Demons
Bette Midler – P.S I love You
The Pogues – Love you till the End
Christina Perri – Human
Jason Walker _ Everybody Lies
A Great Big World – Say Something
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the Wall

The reason why I picked these songs was because the lyrics are something that I can relate to; when I hear them I feel like they are the words I should be telling someone or myself. But the most significant memory right now is my one year relationship with Hera (let’s call her that, since she always said she was my queen). So the three songs are the ones relate to a memory in that relationship albeit in different phases.

The Pogues – Love you Till the End
This was like the anthem of my relationship with her. And P.S I love You fans know what I was talking about. This song played in the beginning when holly (Hilary Swank) and Gerry (Gerald Butler) were fighting. Even after the fight, they couldn’t stay mad at each other till the next morning. You can’t go wrong with this song. And I picked it because this was the only film I watched with her and the song stuck. After that day, every text I sent her ended with “P.S I love You”. Anytime I hear the song, my mind goes back to that day, when we watched the film. It was the only time I ever shed a tear in her presence.

A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera – Say Something
Hera broke up with me because of a questionable text that she got on her phone, but I don’t think that was the real reason. I believe it was a result of the distance between us at the time, we where about 300 miles of bad roads apart and only talked on the phone and chatted. Around the time we broke up, I was going through a very deep and the longest depression spell I had ever been through, 7 months. So I was a little distant, the calls and text were few and between. This song came out in September of 2013, 4 months after we broke up and whenever, I hear it, and it’s like a summary of everything she was trying to tell me during my dark period which I never told her about. It felt like if I had only said something, maybe it would be different right now.


Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk; I learn to play on the same side so I don’t get hurt. Yup, the nature of the breakup and the few events after made it hard for me to ever fully trust anybody ever again. And it’s because of her. I can confidently say that I no longer open up to anyone because “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE”

Other songs which almost made this top 3 are Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the wall (The chorus is all I listen to) which became m anthem during my dark period and Christina Perri – Human ( just read the lyrics) which are full of words I wish I had told her.

So there you have it.

DAY 2: Room With A View – DREAM OF A DYING SUMMER

A place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest,
remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself,
shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his own image.
Joan Didion

I step towards the teleportation device with a big load of curious nervousness, because I do not decide what place I get transported to. Or maybe I do, but it isn’t a subconscious decision, the teleportation device was created to read and enter the deepest recesses of one’s mind and transport them that place they wish to be above all. I pause before the door, and think about all the possible places I could end up; my friend’s room in the housing estate where I spent most nights during my second and third years of school, or my room in my grandmother’s house where I went whenever I wanted solitude and wanted to feel disconnected from the world, or maybe my favorite hideout in boarding school, or another friend’s place in the Housing Quarters for Doctors during my final year of school, or maybe I will be transported to the top of my house where I normally spent most evenings when I wasn’t working and wanted to be alone and read a good book or listen to music.

The point is all these places hold personal memories for me so I couldn’t be sure of where I would end up.

*cue opera music, drum roll and white noise and normal teleportation business (if you know what I mean)*

THE ROOM (OR PLACE WHICHEVER YOU CHOOSE TO CALL IT)
I open my eyes after a brief moment of feeling imbalance. And I have to say that I am surprised to see where I am. It’s a small square room measuring not more than 12×15’ with a door and window on one side and small windows on the other side. The walls are painted blue and white, and designed in a brick pattern with the blue forming the bricks and the white for the outer edges. There is a blue carpet on the floor and a mattress lying to one side of the room. Near the window on one side is a 14” TV and a mini-fridge. The room is bare with a table an chair making up the rest of the furnishing. I am standing in my friend’s sublet at the back of one of the houses in the Doctor’s Quarters. This is where me and my closest friends used to hang and drink and smoke (before I quit) and insult ourselves and just chill.

THE MEMORY
But that is not the memory that holds me whenever I think of the room. The memory is her, the girl I dated at one time and still love, Kayla. Whenever I think of the room, I see a small cute baby face with the most beautifully pointed nose and a smile that could either melt our heart or annoy you in the most endearing way possible. I hear a soft laugh that makes you think there is nothing wrong with the world. I think of her and I immediately get the same feeling I got as I did in herpresence, carefree, like there was nothing to be worried about in the world. The world could have ended when I was with her and I wouldn’t even blink because I was with someone who made it all worthy. I remember  sitting on the single bed and she sitting inside of my legs with her resting against me. I contemplate why she would refuse a pillow and choose to rest on me while we watched a movie, P.S I Love You. It was the most romantic thing I ever did with her and the one thing that my mind won’t ever let me forget.

But this time, I am alone in the room and the rooms feel smaller, like they had a life of their own and were closing up around me. I walk towards the window and look outside at the mango tree in front of the sublet. The tree was a source of fruit that I and my my friends climbed and plucked its fruits and ate. But this time, leaves are brown even though it’s been raining lately. Everything everywhere is dying, even the iron burglary has started rusting. It feels like the world around me is dying and the sun that normally lights it up has gone out. I no longer have her, and I don’t know if I ever will or want to.

I hear a beeping sound and look at my watch and realize that my time is up and I am to be transported back to the teleportation device. After the normal feeling of drowsiness and imbalance the beeping sound still continues and I am annoyed because I do not want to open my eyes. I will myself to be transported to that place where m memory of her is the strongest; even though I know she won’t be there I didn’t want to open my eyes. The beeping increases, drowning all other sounds until I decide to shut off the alarm and reset the device to take me back and let me have one more hour.

But as I open my eyes, I realize I am lying on my bed and the first rays of dawn are streaming in through the window of my room. I can still hear the beeping sound and look for I only to see my bedside alarm read the numbers 06:30AM and I realize that it was all a dream

A SONG OF TWO SEASONS

What does it mean to truly be in love?

If you asked me this question two years ago, my answer would have been to care for someone more than you cared for yourself and that you’ll spend the rest of your life with that person. But if you asked me that question right now, I wouldn’t give an answer because the question was wrong. The key was not to be in love, because love was an easy thing to fall out of, but rather to love. And if you ask me again what it means to love, I still won’t be able to answer the question not for lack of an answer but because the answer simply does not exist. Love is not simply a thing; it is a presence living in those who have been blessed and cursed to let it in. It shakes you and unravels your world, demanding to be felt and when you think you can control it, it shows you that it can’t be tamed. Yes, I say cursed because it is at that moment you realize that you can’t really tame love that you see just how much misery it can bring you.

Love, for me, meant that I cared for Kayla more deeply than I can ever care for myself and that we would get to be together forever. It sounds simple, right? That when you love someone and they love you back then nothing else matters. These days, I just laugh at how naive I had been.

And while part of me wants to believe that is possible, I now realize that loving her does not guarantee that I’ll get to spend the rest of my life with her.

For now, I sit on the couch fighting the almost irresistible urge to dial her number and some days, it’s a fight I lose. Like today, she answers the phone before I even realize that I lost the fight. I sit saying nothing while I hear her voice, soft and lazy like she just rolled out of bed, saying “Hello” several times. I wait until the timer hit the 15-second mark before I hang up.

She may or may never know that it was me.

I’ve been told that “the first time you fall in love, it stays with you forever and no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away”. I have not lived a long time yet to verify how true that talk is but two years after, I still feel as strongly as I did then, but our songs are different now. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to accept, but there was a time when our songs were the same and even though that feels like a lifetime ago, I can still hear it playing clearly in my head. It’s a song I can never forget no matter how hard I try. I’ve learned that the songs, like memories can almost feel like a living breathing presence. And I reflect on that presence right now, as I always do. I find myself remembering how it began. All songs play out the same way, a beginning and an end; I find it hard to believe that ours didn’t continue playing endlessly.

Part of me aches whenever I think of her, and I know that the ache comes from the choices I made. But the choice had been necessary no matter how much I knew I was going to hurt, because in the end her happiness was all that mattered to me.

I burden myself with the same questions over and over again. Why did I do it? If given another chance, how differently would I do it? These are questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, or a straight sentence. Maybe when you read this, you will be able to understand why it had to happen.

Because even though she was the one who ended it, it was I who let it happen.

 ****************************************************************************

I decided to write about my last relationship as a book. Whether I publish it or not is not yet decided. The main reason I am writing about it is because it’s the only story in my past I haven’t gotten over and letting it out is going to feel a tad bit liberating for me.

This is just a sketch of the prologue. I haven’t started writing any chapters yet, but hopefully before the end of this year, I would have finished at least 2 chapters.