State Of Nothingness: Mentally occupied with nothing.

When you feel completely down and useless and cannot place your hand on the reason why. My friend said it happens once in a life time, but can we go back to when it began, was it really love at first sight. To be honest, it was more like fan at first sight, but over time it grew and became what it is today. So the question is why can’t others be like that, why can’t I grow in love with them. I have heard rebound is the ideal way to start, but this is not starting, I have been at this point countless times, I am beginning to accept that the issue is me, I must be doing something wrong, and this is certain because I am doing something. Next thing is to do nothing, absolutely nothing.

No joy is derived from doing something, you only hurt because an effort was made, nothing more. I can look back and see similar traits, countless break-ups in between, trying to please and be pleased, essential effort on trying to be happy and calm, at this same time encouraging yourself that happiness is often overrated and should not be taken with so much seriousness.

Then you ask yourself was he the best life had to offer, or were you his best, the latter is more preferred as it means in the future when you meet, you will be glad and say like the song “I was the best you never had” but if it’s the first it would be a sad case of regret as other guys that come after will never surpass him and you ultimately made the wrong decision. Listening to the last conversation you realize it was for the best, you rather not have any than to be treated like a beggar, when you are a Queen in your own right. You don’t want a guy that will spit on you and you begin to apologize for not opening your mouth. You would rather be home chilling directing energy to other things asides the other side of your bed, It’s funny how the opposite sex completes you, but a deeper revelation of how the Nuns survive maybe a better guide. One thing I must always take with me is to NEVER REGRET MY ACTIONS but LEARN FROM THEM, as difficult as it may sound is the only way you walk down with your heads high and not a suicidal note filled with depression.

A friend’s feedback:


If you feel you’re doing something wrong… I agree you don’t do anything at all. Love will find you and when it does, you’ll then be able to put the bits together. You will get a perfect explanation of why things were the way they were.  And the answer is “the good and the supposedly better were giving way for the BEST! Like every other aspects of life and the things we crave, it requires prayer.

God will save the best for the last. xoxo




“When I, like/am attracted/have feelings for, someone, I go out of my way to show them and let them know that I do.” That’s what a friend told me when I was on the phone with her the other night. She was talking about her crushes past and past, about how she always goes the extra mile to show and tell them how she felt. And then I tried to tell her how I also show that I like someone but I couldn’t say anything, because I have never thought about it at all. I thought my methods were the same as hers and everybody else. Then I realized that all I always did that for everybody, those I had feelings for and even those that I’m just trying to bang. I tried to find that what I did or said that made me realize that I had feelings for someone and it was genuine and not those manipulative stunts I pull.

I am not normal. I know everybody says this about themselves because they have this train of thought that normal is boring. But normal isn’t boring, normal is comfortable. But I don’t mean it that way. Psychologically, I am far from normal. The things that makes most people tick seem to be skewed when it comes to me. I am moved by the unusual of things, I notice the same things about people form a very different and weird perspective. For a Nigerian, I listen to the most unusual of songs (folk music with artists like Birdy, Nina Nesbitt, Damien Rice, Gabrielle Aplin and Christina Novelli). I have been told that I like thinking left more times than I can count.

When thinking about what I did or said differently to let a girl know that I have feelings for her and that those feelings were real, two things were obvious; either I put it in words or I did it with actions. But after running through a mental list of every girl in my life, I realized that I did either one of those two things for everyone that I wanted to bang or date. Saying it or acting it was never a clear indicator of how I felt for someone.

With the first girlfriend, it was words. With the second, it was words and actions. With the third, it was words, with the fourth, it was also words. And for every girl I crushed on that I never dated, it was just words. I realized that I never really had romantic/affectionate feelings for any of them, with the second being an exception and then those feelings were because of my mind wanting to feel and not really me feeling. It wasn’t real and raw. The realization was both horrifying and liberating. It was horrifying because it means that before this year, I have only ever had real feelings for one girl. It was liberating because it afforded the opportunity to be self-aware of my emotions and mind and to know when something could be real. I won’t tell you who the girl is, but if she ever reads this post, she’ll know.

How do I know when what I feel is real? How would you know when I am real?

Whenever I tell a girl I have feelings for her, it is just to recognize the fact that I am attracted to her and nothing else. It really doesn’t mean anything. But the way I let a girl know that I have feelings for her and that I mean those feelings that they are real is, I let my guard down. I let myself be vulnerable. I open myself up to be possibility of being hurt, I lay myself bare. This sounds tricky I know. But it finds a way to show in my actions, what I say and how I choose to say it. Even the girl for whom I did let my guard down never noticed this.

It really isn’t rocket science. Only I know when I have let my guard down and you if you are perceptive enough. My constant state of mind is the typical guy’s own when he lets his guard down. So my natural disposition is like my guard is down which can be pretty deceiving. So if you know me, you should be able to figure out when my guard is down if ever I let it down for you.

Day 14: To Whom It May Concern – LETTER TO AN EX


I am sorry we broke up. Really, I am.

Because you were wonderful, maybe even the best I have ever had. Why wouldn’t you be? That’s what drew me to you. But while you were wonderful in your own unique ways, I guess I just wasn’t enough or should I say; the distance was too much. I know 6 months is a very long time without seeing the person you loved. I could endure that but what I didn’t realize was that you couldn’t. You were fragile and I was trying too hard to build you up.

Looking back, I think the fragility was what endeared me to you. Our friends called us the perfect couple; they can’t even believe that we are no longer together. I can, not because I was a cynic and thought you would leave me but because like everything else in life; people always leave, it doesn’t matter whether they want to or not. In the end, they leave.

Up till this day, I still don’t get the real reason why you left; I don’t believe the story about the text. Or maybe I know the real reason and I just don’t want to say it out loud because I like the image of you that I have in my mind and that is the only good thing I have.

I still love you, I can never stop loving you (believe me, I have tried). And even if I find someone else, what I will feel for them will never be as much as what I will always feel for you. It doesn’t matter whether that someone has better qualities than you, there was a way in which you complimented me and made us fit that I don’t think anybody else can ever match. You gave me the best one year of my life and for that I am forever grateful.


Day 1: Unlocking The Mind – CALM IS THE NEW BORING?

This is the first assignment for the #Writing101 series for the month of September and I am supposed to just write for 20 minutes without any internal editor redacting some of what I want to say. I may fail in that regards but I have to give it my best. So here goes;

“You are too calm”

That was what my girlfriend said to me yesterday. Calm is a good thing but what she meant is that I was boring, which I know I am not. She just wanted me to be more spontaneous. Well, I have been spontaneous sometime in my past and I decided that was not the way for me.

Now this is not the first time that I have heard this type of statement used to describe me;

“You are calm, even under pressure. You never let people know what you are thinking except what you tell them.” – Ex-Girlfriend

“You are more logical that emotional” – A one-time crush

“You are someone who processes something very thoroughly before he says anything” – My future Brother-in-law

“You are too calm” – Current Girlfriend

I am going to stop here for now and let you process this before I go on.

Done yet? Okay, moving on.

What all this statements point to is that I am controlled by logic almost all the time that even when I show emotion, it feels like I am just showing the emotion that I logical allow. That is another way of saying that I am sociopathic, without the killing.

The truth is although they are right in their assessments of me, they are wrong in their formation of that assessment. My ex-girlfriend used to complain that I never let her in, one-time crush said that I never talk about myself, current girlfriend says that I listen more than I talk.

I wasn’t built that way. I used to be this shy loud nerdy scruffy dude who was awkward with conversations. But after losing my dad, my best friend and almost losing my own life to pneumonia once. I just changed, I can’t explain how or when it started but I knew that I became more aware of the people around me, my environment, and even my sub-conscious. I found myself looking at things in the most objective way possible, from every perspective. I found myself overextending to always see the bigger picture of the big picture. I realized that talking too much wasn’t cool. I found myself grooming myself to be extremely observant while making it all seems effortless.

And the result is a guy who is optimistic yet always prepares for the worst. A dreamer but always realistic. Calling things as they are and thinking too much that if feels like my mind will just explode. Somedays, it’s fun and other days it’s not fun.

I learnt to be strong by never letting anyone know what I’m really feeling and never saying what people wanted to hear but always saying what was appropriate for a particular outcome.

My ex-girlfriend once accused me of manipulating people including her friends and my response was that people wanted to be manipulated on a sub-conscious level.

Time up. So I have to stop here. Maybe I can continue this next time

Date Someone Who Makes It Impossible To Date Anyone Else (Not Even Yourself)

Found this post on Thought Catalog and it touched me so I decided to repost it fo you all. ENJOY

Date someone who knows you, perhaps, even better than yourself. Date someone who can tell your mood by the twitch of your face, or a fleeting side glance. Date someone who knows your every little or big secret, and still loves you anyway – despite knowing damn well what he’s getting into (that you could have a personality disorder or some mental health risks. No biggie).

Date someone who can make you happy, on days when you simply can’t. Date someone who tries, and still gives you the “butterflies” even when he isn’t really trying. Date someone who knows the best ways to make you smile, and the worst. Date someone who remembers the little things that you don’t expect him to, like the brand of your favourite childhood snack, your mom’s birthday, or the dress that you fell in love with at the shop’s display window.

Date someone who tells you “it’s all worth it” to invest his time, effort and money in exchange of a big genuine smile on your face. Date someone who makes you want to be the person who loves more, even though it’s gonna be a tough competition.

Date someone who turns your insecurities or flaws into strengths. That you’re not quiet, you’re thoughtful. That you’re not insecure, but needs more love and assurance. That you’re beautiful, if only you could see through my eyes.

Heck, date someone who is “delusional” enough to think you’re the most attractive human being he’s ever met. Not just on the outside, but the inside too. Date someone who notices when you have curled your hair, or splurged on a nice dress to go on a dinner date. Date someone who laughs at your jokes, even when you’re aware that they are like, really bad. Date someone who listens, and understands even when the words don’t match your feelings.

Date someone who shares – his attention, circles of friends, or even an apartment together. Date someone who doesn’t mind your quirks and habits, or even describes them as “adorable” (seriously? *burps*).

Date someone who celebrates you, and together, “us”.

Date someone who is there for you in every milestone in life: your first job interview, a performance concert, or when you finally learned how to cook spaghetti Bolognese from scratch (yay!). Date someone who doesn’t mind holding silly little celebrations of your love too: first kiss, “monthly” anniversaries or a favourite love song that is the best to cuddle to.

Date someone who still keeps a secret stash of your favourite food, even when you’ve been complaining that “it’s time to go on a diet!!!!!”

Date someone who spoils you. Maybe a little too much, sometimes.

Date someone who respects your personal ideas and beliefs, even when he represents the complete opposite. Date someone who doesn’t try to change who you are, and understands that you’ve lived a life before him. Date someone who accepts your family and friends too, including your loud, overbearing mom or that girlfriend who loves to gossip a little too much (ahem, girls will be girls).

Date someone who makes you feel excited about the future, knowing that he’ll be right smack in it.

Date someone who makes you do crazy things that you’d never have done before too. Like watching a bunch of sweaty men chasing after a ball, or learning how to cook despite never setting foot in the kitchen before this, whole relationship thing. (In his defence, he probably had to sit through a chick flick or carry your handbag when you’re busy shopping too.)

Date someone who takes you through all sorts of days. The high, the low, and the mundane in-between. At the end of the day, you’re just grateful to have someone to go home to.

Date someone who makes you understand, finally, what is love. Because that’s all that counts. The magical four-letter word that is now unconditionally linked to him. Date someone who makes even the wildest of you to believe in love, and practice it, day after day.

Above all, date someone who makes it impossible to date someone else. Because quite frankly, no one else
would ever measure up.

Written by Tiffany Leong