State Of Nothingness: Mentally occupied with nothing.

When you feel completely down and useless and cannot place your hand on the reason why. My friend said it happens once in a life time, but can we go back to when it began, was it really love at first sight. To be honest, it was more like fan at first sight, but over time it grew and became what it is today. So the question is why can’t others be like that, why can’t I grow in love with them. I have heard rebound is the ideal way to start, but this is not starting, I have been at this point countless times, I am beginning to accept that the issue is me, I must be doing something wrong, and this is certain because I am doing something. Next thing is to do nothing, absolutely nothing.

No joy is derived from doing something, you only hurt because an effort was made, nothing more. I can look back and see similar traits, countless break-ups in between, trying to please and be pleased, essential effort on trying to be happy and calm, at this same time encouraging yourself that happiness is often overrated and should not be taken with so much seriousness.

Then you ask yourself was he the best life had to offer, or were you his best, the latter is more preferred as it means in the future when you meet, you will be glad and say like the song “I was the best you never had” but if it’s the first it would be a sad case of regret as other guys that come after will never surpass him and you ultimately made the wrong decision. Listening to the last conversation you realize it was for the best, you rather not have any than to be treated like a beggar, when you are a Queen in your own right. You don’t want a guy that will spit on you and you begin to apologize for not opening your mouth. You would rather be home chilling directing energy to other things asides the other side of your bed, It’s funny how the opposite sex completes you, but a deeper revelation of how the Nuns survive maybe a better guide. One thing I must always take with me is to NEVER REGRET MY ACTIONS but LEARN FROM THEM, as difficult as it may sound is the only way you walk down with your heads high and not a suicidal note filled with depression.

A friend’s feedback:


If you feel you’re doing something wrong… I agree you don’t do anything at all. Love will find you and when it does, you’ll then be able to put the bits together. You will get a perfect explanation of why things were the way they were.  And the answer is “the good and the supposedly better were giving way for the BEST! Like every other aspects of life and the things we crave, it requires prayer.

God will save the best for the last. xoxo



Day 14: To Whom It May Concern – LETTER TO AN EX


I am sorry we broke up. Really, I am.

Because you were wonderful, maybe even the best I have ever had. Why wouldn’t you be? That’s what drew me to you. But while you were wonderful in your own unique ways, I guess I just wasn’t enough or should I say; the distance was too much. I know 6 months is a very long time without seeing the person you loved. I could endure that but what I didn’t realize was that you couldn’t. You were fragile and I was trying too hard to build you up.

Looking back, I think the fragility was what endeared me to you. Our friends called us the perfect couple; they can’t even believe that we are no longer together. I can, not because I was a cynic and thought you would leave me but because like everything else in life; people always leave, it doesn’t matter whether they want to or not. In the end, they leave.

Up till this day, I still don’t get the real reason why you left; I don’t believe the story about the text. Or maybe I know the real reason and I just don’t want to say it out loud because I like the image of you that I have in my mind and that is the only good thing I have.

I still love you, I can never stop loving you (believe me, I have tried). And even if I find someone else, what I will feel for them will never be as much as what I will always feel for you. It doesn’t matter whether that someone has better qualities than you, there was a way in which you complimented me and made us fit that I don’t think anybody else can ever match. You gave me the best one year of my life and for that I am forever grateful.


Day 3: Writing Habit – THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

Celebrate three songs that are significant to you. Let the emotions and memories connected to this song carry you. I could celebrate 20 songs that evoke emotions and memories within me but I am going to try and pick the 3 that has the most significant memories behind it. I will be putting down a list of the songs that have significance with me; as far back as I can remember;

Simple Plan – Welcome to my life
Kate Voegele – Unfair
Jay Z – Forever Young
Kanye West – Through the Wire
Jay Z – History
Imagine Dragons – Demons
Bette Midler – P.S I love You
The Pogues – Love you till the End
Christina Perri – Human
Jason Walker _ Everybody Lies
A Great Big World – Say Something
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the Wall

The reason why I picked these songs was because the lyrics are something that I can relate to; when I hear them I feel like they are the words I should be telling someone or myself. But the most significant memory right now is my one year relationship with Hera (let’s call her that, since she always said she was my queen). So the three songs are the ones relate to a memory in that relationship albeit in different phases.

The Pogues – Love you Till the End
This was like the anthem of my relationship with her. And P.S I love You fans know what I was talking about. This song played in the beginning when holly (Hilary Swank) and Gerry (Gerald Butler) were fighting. Even after the fight, they couldn’t stay mad at each other till the next morning. You can’t go wrong with this song. And I picked it because this was the only film I watched with her and the song stuck. After that day, every text I sent her ended with “P.S I love You”. Anytime I hear the song, my mind goes back to that day, when we watched the film. It was the only time I ever shed a tear in her presence.

A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera – Say Something
Hera broke up with me because of a questionable text that she got on her phone, but I don’t think that was the real reason. I believe it was a result of the distance between us at the time, we where about 300 miles of bad roads apart and only talked on the phone and chatted. Around the time we broke up, I was going through a very deep and the longest depression spell I had ever been through, 7 months. So I was a little distant, the calls and text were few and between. This song came out in September of 2013, 4 months after we broke up and whenever, I hear it, and it’s like a summary of everything she was trying to tell me during my dark period which I never told her about. It felt like if I had only said something, maybe it would be different right now.

Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk; I learn to play on the same side so I don’t get hurt. Yup, the nature of the breakup and the few events after made it hard for me to ever fully trust anybody ever again. And it’s because of her. I can confidently say that I no longer open up to anyone because “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE”

Other songs which almost made this top 3 are Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the wall (The chorus is all I listen to) which became m anthem during my dark period and Christina Perri – Human ( just read the lyrics) which are full of words I wish I had told her.

So there you have it.

Moved to Tears – The Art That Touches

So I stumbled on Daily Posts’ prompt for today. This is to write on a recent tear-jerking expression.

I like to think of myself as a logically emotional person. This is to say that while I shed the tear like everyone else, I do not shed it on a consistent basis. So in my adherence to the daily prompt for today, I will be giving 5 artistic forms (movies & books) that have moved me to shed a tear, even a single tear.

One recurring theme is that one particular action moved me to tears; one person was willing to put another person’s happiness over their own even at the cost of their life.

So without further foreplay and in no particular order, these are the movies and books that moved me to shed that tear;

A Walk to Remember  I watched the movie before I have read the book and it was boring. Because no movie can ever truly    interpret a book or even come close to describing the book, except The Godfather & P.S I Love You. So   when I was only too eager to read the book when I got it, and I have to say, it was a big mistake. Never have I been so moved by words or by a story, no matter how fictional it is.

Note: I haven’t read The Fault in Our Stars & P.S I Love You.
“When I was seventeen, my life changed forever”
That I believe, but it was Jamie Sullivan who made me cry. She is the blandest, most ordinary, drama-free female character that I have ever seen in a romantic book. I can’t point to one particular scene or page that mead me shed that tear. I just know that at some point in the book, my eyes where wet.
“First you will smile, and then you will cry— don’t say you haven’t been warned.”
I guess Mr. Sparks got that one right.

John QThis isn’t a romantic movie but it is a story of love. The love of a parent for his child who was dying.
I enjoyed the hostage situation thing and all. But when Denzel Washington offered to give his son his own heart, literally, my own heart stopped. It was moving. It was one of the purest sacrifices I have ever seen, giving our own life for someone else.
Now whenever I hear the same old talk that women love their children more than men, I just shake my head and accept that they don’t and can’t know. We guys just love in a different way from girls.


ChampionI have dystopian novels. It gives order or purpose to a world that is chaos. Not that there isn’t order in our current world, but the order lies in the chaos. Dystopian novels gives everybody a status, value and purpose right from the day they are born, and while our current world does the same, it at least creates the possibility that one’s status and value can change, dystopian worlds don’t give that possibility. I love chaos; there is too much order in chaos than order in order.
That said I finished the three books in the series because I like to at least finish what I start.
And the end was anti-climactic for me. This is because I expected that Day and June would finally be together without any problems and get to live together, blah blah blah. But Marie Lu had other ideas, June could have still gotten the ending she wanted but Tess’s words came back to her; “Be good to him” and the only way she thought she could do that was to set him free.
How many people in today’s world could actually leave the person they really love if it means that person will be happy in the long run??

the fault in our starsI have watched the movie and am yet to read the book. It was heart-rending. I was moved from the beginning to the end. It taught me that anybody can find love irrespective of their condition or state.
Moving on, it was Hazel’s practice eulogy to Augustus that made moved me. There are no words to describe what she said so I’ll just put it up here.

My name is Hazel. Augustus Waters was the great star-crossed love of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won’t be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Gus knew. Gus knows. I will not tell you our love story, because—like all real love stories—it will die with us, as it should. I’d hoped that he’d be eulogizing me, because there’s no one I’d rather have. . . . . . . . Okay, how not to cry. How am I—okay. Okay.

I can’t talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

Added to it was the whole movie that led up to that eulogy. I am not ashamed to say that a tear was shed.

P.S I Love YouMy personal best romantic movie of all time. One of the reasons was that I watched this movie in 2012 with my ex-girlfriend who happens to be the only person I have ever and may ever have real feelings for. And she cried at the end of the movie, my eyes got wet partly because I do my best not to make her cry and seeing her shed a tear because of something beautiful, I was moved. I think this is what made my best romantic movie of all time, because it was one of the only times that I have ever felt serene and without a care in the world except for that one person. The movie was great, and I was impressed with Gerry’s love for Holly that even in death, he did all he could to help her move on.


jack and roseNote: Special mention because, I was 9 when I watched it and I have only watched this movie once and I didn’t even start from the beginning.
It was showing on late night TV and I started watching when the Ship had already started sinking.
Now the picture you see is what made me cry.
Objectively speaking, Rose is an evil bitch, because that board could have it two people without sinking, I’m not really sure, but that’s not the point. The reason why I called her an evil bitch was because not once did I hear her offer Jack a space on the board.

What moved me to tears: It’s a life or death situation and here is a girl you barely know for more than 5 months yet you offer to save her life even at the cost of your own. I was young and couldn’t understand it, even now that I understand it; I can’t say that I will do it. It was touching and emotionally crazy. I think I cried myself to sleep that night.


So there you have it. Five Artistic expressions that moved me to tears. I am certain there are others but these take home the prize



What does it mean to truly be in love?

If you asked me this question two years ago, my answer would have been to care for someone more than you cared for yourself and that you’ll spend the rest of your life with that person. But if you asked me that question right now, I wouldn’t give an answer because the question was wrong. The key was not to be in love, because love was an easy thing to fall out of, but rather to love. And if you ask me again what it means to love, I still won’t be able to answer the question not for lack of an answer but because the answer simply does not exist. Love is not simply a thing; it is a presence living in those who have been blessed and cursed to let it in. It shakes you and unravels your world, demanding to be felt and when you think you can control it, it shows you that it can’t be tamed. Yes, I say cursed because it is at that moment you realize that you can’t really tame love that you see just how much misery it can bring you.

Love, for me, meant that I cared for Kayla more deeply than I can ever care for myself and that we would get to be together forever. It sounds simple, right? That when you love someone and they love you back then nothing else matters. These days, I just laugh at how naive I had been.

And while part of me wants to believe that is possible, I now realize that loving her does not guarantee that I’ll get to spend the rest of my life with her.

For now, I sit on the couch fighting the almost irresistible urge to dial her number and some days, it’s a fight I lose. Like today, she answers the phone before I even realize that I lost the fight. I sit saying nothing while I hear her voice, soft and lazy like she just rolled out of bed, saying “Hello” several times. I wait until the timer hit the 15-second mark before I hang up.

She may or may never know that it was me.

I’ve been told that “the first time you fall in love, it stays with you forever and no matter how hard you try, the feeling never goes away”. I have not lived a long time yet to verify how true that talk is but two years after, I still feel as strongly as I did then, but our songs are different now. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to accept, but there was a time when our songs were the same and even though that feels like a lifetime ago, I can still hear it playing clearly in my head. It’s a song I can never forget no matter how hard I try. I’ve learned that the songs, like memories can almost feel like a living breathing presence. And I reflect on that presence right now, as I always do. I find myself remembering how it began. All songs play out the same way, a beginning and an end; I find it hard to believe that ours didn’t continue playing endlessly.

Part of me aches whenever I think of her, and I know that the ache comes from the choices I made. But the choice had been necessary no matter how much I knew I was going to hurt, because in the end her happiness was all that mattered to me.

I burden myself with the same questions over and over again. Why did I do it? If given another chance, how differently would I do it? These are questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, or a straight sentence. Maybe when you read this, you will be able to understand why it had to happen.

Because even though she was the one who ended it, it was I who let it happen.


I decided to write about my last relationship as a book. Whether I publish it or not is not yet decided. The main reason I am writing about it is because it’s the only story in my past I haven’t gotten over and letting it out is going to feel a tad bit liberating for me.

This is just a sketch of the prologue. I haven’t started writing any chapters yet, but hopefully before the end of this year, I would have finished at least 2 chapters.


So I’ve been watching two TV series this past month (Suits, Season 4 & The Blacklist, Season 1) and two scenes struck out at me as something that I can presently relate to in my present relationship (yes, I am currently dating someone).

  • In Harvey Specter’s apartment with Jessica, when Jessica was wary of mixing personal life with business and Harvey told her it all comes down to a choice of which is more important to her.
  • And in The Blacklist; how Elizabeth Keen was almost always standing her husband (Tom Keen) up, I admit he turned out to be a fraud in the end but that’s beside the point, because of work.

In the two scenarios, the similarity lies in the fact that there was choice between work and personal life but the similarity ends there. Because Jessica Pearson consciously recognizes that choice while Elizabeth Keen didn’t.

Now back to why I said I could relate with those scenes presently. Although the settings are different in that none of us work for a law firm or are government agents, I’ve been stood up by cupcake, that’s what she will be called on this blog, more times that I’ve lost count of this past month. The reason’s have ranged from my niece was sick and I had to stay home to take care of her, to my cousin and her husband got into a fight and I couldn’t leave the house, to a friend of mine was in an accident and I had to go and see him, to I don’t have what to wear to I had to help my cousin prepare dinner so I couldn’t leave the house.

walking the dog

Normally, I’m not one to complain, but it gets to a stage were the reasons become too much no matter how serious they are. And whenever I tried to tell her about it, she would get defensive claiming she did nothing wrong. I’m not saying she is wrong for wanting to focus on those reasons, whatever they are, and leave me hanging because the reasons are valid depending on what perspective you view it from.

All I decided to tell her was this; there are always going to be reasons or excuses as to why you stand me up. You are just going to have to decide which excuses are more important than our relationship. Because you telling me you can’t make it and you give a reason, only goes to tell me that you don’t see me important enough to overlook that reason and not stand me up.

And that got us into an issue that we are currently having.

I’m of the school of thought that for anything you are currently doing right now, including reading this post, there is something else you could be doing instead. It all comes down to what is more important to you. For most people, they don’t even acknowledge this thought while some people do.

And even though I know this post is not worth a dime, I say thank you for taking the time to read.

Date Someone Who Makes It Impossible To Date Anyone Else (Not Even Yourself)

Found this post on Thought Catalog and it touched me so I decided to repost it fo you all. ENJOY

Date someone who knows you, perhaps, even better than yourself. Date someone who can tell your mood by the twitch of your face, or a fleeting side glance. Date someone who knows your every little or big secret, and still loves you anyway – despite knowing damn well what he’s getting into (that you could have a personality disorder or some mental health risks. No biggie).

Date someone who can make you happy, on days when you simply can’t. Date someone who tries, and still gives you the “butterflies” even when he isn’t really trying. Date someone who knows the best ways to make you smile, and the worst. Date someone who remembers the little things that you don’t expect him to, like the brand of your favourite childhood snack, your mom’s birthday, or the dress that you fell in love with at the shop’s display window.

Date someone who tells you “it’s all worth it” to invest his time, effort and money in exchange of a big genuine smile on your face. Date someone who makes you want to be the person who loves more, even though it’s gonna be a tough competition.

Date someone who turns your insecurities or flaws into strengths. That you’re not quiet, you’re thoughtful. That you’re not insecure, but needs more love and assurance. That you’re beautiful, if only you could see through my eyes.

Heck, date someone who is “delusional” enough to think you’re the most attractive human being he’s ever met. Not just on the outside, but the inside too. Date someone who notices when you have curled your hair, or splurged on a nice dress to go on a dinner date. Date someone who laughs at your jokes, even when you’re aware that they are like, really bad. Date someone who listens, and understands even when the words don’t match your feelings.

Date someone who shares – his attention, circles of friends, or even an apartment together. Date someone who doesn’t mind your quirks and habits, or even describes them as “adorable” (seriously? *burps*).

Date someone who celebrates you, and together, “us”.

Date someone who is there for you in every milestone in life: your first job interview, a performance concert, or when you finally learned how to cook spaghetti Bolognese from scratch (yay!). Date someone who doesn’t mind holding silly little celebrations of your love too: first kiss, “monthly” anniversaries or a favourite love song that is the best to cuddle to.

Date someone who still keeps a secret stash of your favourite food, even when you’ve been complaining that “it’s time to go on a diet!!!!!”

Date someone who spoils you. Maybe a little too much, sometimes.

Date someone who respects your personal ideas and beliefs, even when he represents the complete opposite. Date someone who doesn’t try to change who you are, and understands that you’ve lived a life before him. Date someone who accepts your family and friends too, including your loud, overbearing mom or that girlfriend who loves to gossip a little too much (ahem, girls will be girls).

Date someone who makes you feel excited about the future, knowing that he’ll be right smack in it.

Date someone who makes you do crazy things that you’d never have done before too. Like watching a bunch of sweaty men chasing after a ball, or learning how to cook despite never setting foot in the kitchen before this, whole relationship thing. (In his defence, he probably had to sit through a chick flick or carry your handbag when you’re busy shopping too.)

Date someone who takes you through all sorts of days. The high, the low, and the mundane in-between. At the end of the day, you’re just grateful to have someone to go home to.

Date someone who makes you understand, finally, what is love. Because that’s all that counts. The magical four-letter word that is now unconditionally linked to him. Date someone who makes even the wildest of you to believe in love, and practice it, day after day.

Above all, date someone who makes it impossible to date someone else. Because quite frankly, no one else
would ever measure up.

Written by Tiffany Leong