A DECADE AWAY

“Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here’s what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it’s still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it’s been too long since you missed them last.”

“I was tired of well-meaning folks, telling me it was time I got over being heartbroken. When somebody tells you that, a little bell ought to ding in your mind. Some people don’t know grief from garlic grits. There are some things a body ain’t meant to get over. No, I’m not suggesting you wallow in sorrow, or let it drag on; no I am just saying it never really goes away. A death in the family is like having a pile of rocks dumped in your front yard. Every day you walk out and see those rocks. They’re sharp and ugly and heavy. You just learn to live around them the best way you can. Some people plant moss or ivy; some leave it be. Some folks take the rocks one by one, and build a wall.”

87,655 hours. That’s how long it has been since I saw my dad alive.

3652 days. That’s how many days I relive the horrors of that night, something I probably will until I stop breathing.

23/08/2005. That’s the day I changed. For better or worse? I have no idea. I can’t even remember who I was before then. It all seems like a dream. When I try to remember the pre-2005 years, I have a hard time picturing how I really was. It all seems like I’m seeing someone else’s memories.

Back to that night, how to describe it. I have never told anybody what really happened that night. The official story was He died of cardiac arrest, but that’s just what it is – Official. To understand how horrible that night was for me, one would need to know how close I was to him. And how much I looked up to him, I used to think my dad would live forever. Okay, maybe I didn’t think it like that but I just didn’t believe death would come knocking soon, I thought he would live into his 90s, maybe 100s but I got a reality blow that night – Things end and death represents the finality of all ends.

Crazy thing is, I couldn’t really cry. I was too numb and unable to think. I walked up to the car where he sat limp and lifeless in the front passenger seat held only by my elder brother who sat in the back seat. I kept thinking he would wake up and play an April fool’s joke on us but this was August and I was the only fool. I had never felt such despair and hopelessness before, I just wanted to wake up and discover it had all been a bad dream. And I slept and woke up but it wasn’t a dream, daddy wasn’t at home and he wouldn’t be coming back ever again. How was I supposed to move on? I had no idea. Even writing this, I see that I can’t ever move on. You can’t ever move on when there is finality to the loss of a loved one. You just find a way to live around the loss.

So what changed in me? I learnt to deflect attention from me, I couldn’t let anyone see how badly I was suffering, I got wittier, withdrew, learnt to put a smile on my face even when there a class-5 storm inside of me, I learnt to pretend that everything was alright. Sometimes, I failed and the pain leaks out but for the past 10 years, I have been doing a pretty good job, I plan to. I just don’t want to be saved. It’s like the pain has become my own identity, it’s the only way I know I can still feel. Every emotion or feeling I have had since then has been built on that pain. Hate, Joy, love, sadness, happiness, anger. The pain became the very foundation of which I am, add the other pains I have accumulated over the years and deep inside me, something only I can see is a big ball of pain which makes up the core of who I am. So saving me form the pain will feel like who I am is being erased and re-written at a core level. Who wants that?

I couldn’t sleep last night; I went to bed by 10pm, woke up around midnight and lay in bed with my eyes open for till the sky cleared. The following week after the 23rd of August, for the past 5 years has been my week of pain, it is the only time in the year where I let go and allow the pain consume me. I become a total mess, I stay in bed all day, lazy to get up and eat or do anything, I cry and think and cry and think and repeat until I feel drained. I never wake up with a dry pillow. I’ve come to embrace and dread it at the same time. And this year may be worse; I’ve never been in a relationship during these periods until now. And it has been the happiest I have ever been in 10 years, I smile for real but before I could tell my girlfriend about it, she hit me with the “She needs space (In her words; lots and lots of space)”, I have no idea where that came from and the only meaning I gave to it was that I was choking her and being overbearing. So I don’t think she will be there for me and listen to me when I feel like rambling, I don’t even know if I want to tell her anymore (I eventually may), but in the meantime, my hurt is double and I don’t know if I will come out of this with my mind in one piece. So I am, or am not, looking forward to going through hell alone.

So my nights are going to be the worst, and my days are going to be lifeless. Imagine having someone in your life and not being able to tell them what you are going through because they seem to not want to care. If you can imagine it, well, you have my support too.

But Life goes on. And we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even though we have no idea where the dark road leads.

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ON MOVING ON AND LETTING GO

WRITTEN BY A FRIEND

State Of Nothingness: Mentally occupied with nothing.

When you feel completely down and useless and cannot place your hand on the reason why. My friend said it happens once in a life time, but can we go back to when it began, was it really love at first sight. To be honest, it was more like fan at first sight, but over time it grew and became what it is today. So the question is why can’t others be like that, why can’t I grow in love with them. I have heard rebound is the ideal way to start, but this is not starting, I have been at this point countless times, I am beginning to accept that the issue is me, I must be doing something wrong, and this is certain because I am doing something. Next thing is to do nothing, absolutely nothing.

No joy is derived from doing something, you only hurt because an effort was made, nothing more. I can look back and see similar traits, countless break-ups in between, trying to please and be pleased, essential effort on trying to be happy and calm, at this same time encouraging yourself that happiness is often overrated and should not be taken with so much seriousness.

Then you ask yourself was he the best life had to offer, or were you his best, the latter is more preferred as it means in the future when you meet, you will be glad and say like the song “I was the best you never had” but if it’s the first it would be a sad case of regret as other guys that come after will never surpass him and you ultimately made the wrong decision. Listening to the last conversation you realize it was for the best, you rather not have any than to be treated like a beggar, when you are a Queen in your own right. You don’t want a guy that will spit on you and you begin to apologize for not opening your mouth. You would rather be home chilling directing energy to other things asides the other side of your bed, It’s funny how the opposite sex completes you, but a deeper revelation of how the Nuns survive maybe a better guide. One thing I must always take with me is to NEVER REGRET MY ACTIONS but LEARN FROM THEM, as difficult as it may sound is the only way you walk down with your heads high and not a suicidal note filled with depression.

A friend’s feedback:

Abso-freaking-lutely!!

If you feel you’re doing something wrong… I agree you don’t do anything at all. Love will find you and when it does, you’ll then be able to put the bits together. You will get a perfect explanation of why things were the way they were.  And the answer is “the good and the supposedly better were giving way for the BEST! Like every other aspects of life and the things we crave, it requires prayer.

God will save the best for the last. xoxo

NM.

RORY SUTHERLAND: Perception is Everything (T)

0:11       What you have here is an electronic cigarette. It’s something that’s, since it was invented a year or two ago, has given me untold happiness. (Laughter) A little bit of it, I think, is the nicotine, but there’s something much bigger than that. Which is ever since, in the U.K., they banned smoking in public places, I’ve never enjoyed a drinks party ever again. (Laughter) And the reason, I only worked out just the other day, which is when you go to a drinks party and you stand up and you hold a glass of red wine and you talk endlessly to people, you don’t actually want to spend all the time talking. It’s really, really tiring. Sometimes you just want to stand there silently, alone with your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stand in the corner and stare out of the window. Now the problem is, when you can’t smoke, if you stand and stare out of the window on your own, you’re an antisocial, friendless idiot. (Laughter) If you stand and stare out of the window on your own with a cigarette, you’re a fucking philosopher. (Laughter) (Applause)

1:24   So the power of re-framing things cannot be overstated.What we have is exactly the same thing, the same activity,but one of them makes you feel great and the other one, with just a small change of posture,makes you feel terrible.And I think one of the problems with classical economics is it’s absolutely preoccupied with reality.And reality isn’t a particularly good guide to human happiness.Why, for example,are pensioners much happier than the young unemployed?Both of them, after all, are in exactly the same stage of life.You both have too much time on your hands and not much money.But pensioners are reportedly very, very happy,whereas the unemployed are extraordinarily unhappy and depressed.The reason, I think, is that the pensioners believe they’ve chosen to be pensioners,whereas the young unemployed feel it’s been thrust upon them.

you should finish reading this

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination

I stumbled upon this just this week and was all shades of touched. I enjoy self-improvement and personal development, but I love it even more when the writer draws from their own personal experiences.

So here it is; J.K Rowling’s Commencement Speech at Harvard in 2008

rowling

Text as delivered.

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I have endured at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and convince myself that I am at the world’s largest Gryffindor reunion.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.
Please, continue reading

Day 14: To Whom It May Concern – LETTER TO AN EX

 

I am sorry we broke up. Really, I am.

Because you were wonderful, maybe even the best I have ever had. Why wouldn’t you be? That’s what drew me to you. But while you were wonderful in your own unique ways, I guess I just wasn’t enough or should I say; the distance was too much. I know 6 months is a very long time without seeing the person you loved. I could endure that but what I didn’t realize was that you couldn’t. You were fragile and I was trying too hard to build you up.

Looking back, I think the fragility was what endeared me to you. Our friends called us the perfect couple; they can’t even believe that we are no longer together. I can, not because I was a cynic and thought you would leave me but because like everything else in life; people always leave, it doesn’t matter whether they want to or not. In the end, they leave.

Up till this day, I still don’t get the real reason why you left; I don’t believe the story about the text. Or maybe I know the real reason and I just don’t want to say it out loud because I like the image of you that I have in my mind and that is the only good thing I have.

I still love you, I can never stop loving you (believe me, I have tried). And even if I find someone else, what I will feel for them will never be as much as what I will always feel for you. It doesn’t matter whether that someone has better qualities than you, there was a way in which you complimented me and made us fit that I don’t think anybody else can ever match. You gave me the best one year of my life and for that I am forever grateful.

I AM TRYING TO FORGET YOU BUT I AM ALSO WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK.

Day 3: Writing Habit – THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

Celebrate three songs that are significant to you. Let the emotions and memories connected to this song carry you. I could celebrate 20 songs that evoke emotions and memories within me but I am going to try and pick the 3 that has the most significant memories behind it. I will be putting down a list of the songs that have significance with me; as far back as I can remember;

Simple Plan – Welcome to my life
Kate Voegele – Unfair
Jay Z – Forever Young
Kanye West – Through the Wire
Jay Z – History
Imagine Dragons – Demons
Bette Midler – P.S I love You
The Pogues – Love you till the End
Christina Perri – Human
Jason Walker _ Everybody Lies
A Great Big World – Say Something
Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the Wall

The reason why I picked these songs was because the lyrics are something that I can relate to; when I hear them I feel like they are the words I should be telling someone or myself. But the most significant memory right now is my one year relationship with Hera (let’s call her that, since she always said she was my queen). So the three songs are the ones relate to a memory in that relationship albeit in different phases.

The Pogues – Love you Till the End
This was like the anthem of my relationship with her. And P.S I love You fans know what I was talking about. This song played in the beginning when holly (Hilary Swank) and Gerry (Gerald Butler) were fighting. Even after the fight, they couldn’t stay mad at each other till the next morning. You can’t go wrong with this song. And I picked it because this was the only film I watched with her and the song stuck. After that day, every text I sent her ended with “P.S I love You”. Anytime I hear the song, my mind goes back to that day, when we watched the film. It was the only time I ever shed a tear in her presence.

A Great Big World ft Christina Aguilera – Say Something
Hera broke up with me because of a questionable text that she got on her phone, but I don’t think that was the real reason. I believe it was a result of the distance between us at the time, we where about 300 miles of bad roads apart and only talked on the phone and chatted. Around the time we broke up, I was going through a very deep and the longest depression spell I had ever been through, 7 months. So I was a little distant, the calls and text were few and between. This song came out in September of 2013, 4 months after we broke up and whenever, I hear it, and it’s like a summary of everything she was trying to tell me during my dark period which I never told her about. It felt like if I had only said something, maybe it would be different right now.


Kelly Clarkson – Because of You
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk; I learn to play on the same side so I don’t get hurt. Yup, the nature of the breakup and the few events after made it hard for me to ever fully trust anybody ever again. And it’s because of her. I can confidently say that I no longer open up to anyone because “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE”

Other songs which almost made this top 3 are Lil Wayne ft Bruno Mars – Mirror on the wall (The chorus is all I listen to) which became m anthem during my dark period and Christina Perri – Human ( just read the lyrics) which are full of words I wish I had told her.

So there you have it.