KNOWING WHEN IT’S REAL

“When I, like/am attracted/have feelings for, someone, I go out of my way to show them and let them know that I do.” That’s what a friend told me when I was on the phone with her the other night. She was talking about her crushes past and past, about how she always goes the extra mile to show and tell them how she felt. And then I tried to tell her how I also show that I like someone but I couldn’t say anything, because I have never thought about it at all. I thought my methods were the same as hers and everybody else. Then I realized that all I always did that for everybody, those I had feelings for and even those that I’m just trying to bang. I tried to find that what I did or said that made me realize that I had feelings for someone and it was genuine and not those manipulative stunts I pull.

I am not normal. I know everybody says this about themselves because they have this train of thought that normal is boring. But normal isn’t boring, normal is comfortable. But I don’t mean it that way. Psychologically, I am far from normal. The things that makes most people tick seem to be skewed when it comes to me. I am moved by the unusual of things, I notice the same things about people form a very different and weird perspective. For a Nigerian, I listen to the most unusual of songs (folk music with artists like Birdy, Nina Nesbitt, Damien Rice, Gabrielle Aplin and Christina Novelli). I have been told that I like thinking left more times than I can count.

When thinking about what I did or said differently to let a girl know that I have feelings for her and that those feelings were real, two things were obvious; either I put it in words or I did it with actions. But after running through a mental list of every girl in my life, I realized that I did either one of those two things for everyone that I wanted to bang or date. Saying it or acting it was never a clear indicator of how I felt for someone.

With the first girlfriend, it was words. With the second, it was words and actions. With the third, it was words, with the fourth, it was also words. And for every girl I crushed on that I never dated, it was just words. I realized that I never really had romantic/affectionate feelings for any of them, with the second being an exception and then those feelings were because of my mind wanting to feel and not really me feeling. It wasn’t real and raw. The realization was both horrifying and liberating. It was horrifying because it means that before this year, I have only ever had real feelings for one girl. It was liberating because it afforded the opportunity to be self-aware of my emotions and mind and to know when something could be real. I won’t tell you who the girl is, but if she ever reads this post, she’ll know.

How do I know when what I feel is real? How would you know when I am real?

Whenever I tell a girl I have feelings for her, it is just to recognize the fact that I am attracted to her and nothing else. It really doesn’t mean anything. But the way I let a girl know that I have feelings for her and that I mean those feelings that they are real is, I let my guard down. I let myself be vulnerable. I open myself up to be possibility of being hurt, I lay myself bare. This sounds tricky I know. But it finds a way to show in my actions, what I say and how I choose to say it. Even the girl for whom I did let my guard down never noticed this.

It really isn’t rocket science. Only I know when I have let my guard down and you if you are perceptive enough. My constant state of mind is the typical guy’s own when he lets his guard down. So my natural disposition is like my guard is down which can be pretty deceiving. So if you know me, you should be able to figure out when my guard is down if ever I let it down for you.

I have no idea what to name this post

Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to a Systems Analyst –
(Marriage Software Div);

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as “Boys’ Night out 2.5” and “Golf 5.3” no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected “Soccer 6.3” always fails and “Shopping 7.1” runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
You should continue reading

2015 – WITH LOVE (OR NOT)

It is good to have an end to journey towards,
but it is the journey that matters most in the end”
Ernest Hemingway

“A goal is not always meant to be reached,
it often simply serves as something to aim at”
Bruce Lee

First post of the year, not counting the review because that was supposed to be published last year. I have no idea why I haven’t written anything this year, even though there have been a ton of things to write about; form the postponed upcoming general elections, to celebrity acting like kids (Amber Rose and the Kardashian Clan) to day one niggas turning on each other (Wizkid and Skales), to more important and relevant issues like Oil Prices, Irrational killings around the world, and my own life.

I guess I wanted to start off this year with some good news, and it seems like that news is being delayed getting here. So I’ll just paint a story so far;

  • I went for an interview and was offered a job as an IT administrator. The job encompassed Social Media Management, Web Content Manager, System Administrator and Graphic Design. But I turned it down because the pay wasn’t acceptable. I would have taken the job because it gave e the opportunity to grow and learn more as an aspiring web developer but the pay wasn’t good enough.
  • I realized that I may not read as much books this year as I would love to. Most of the books I will be reading will be Computer books. No fiction or personal development book all through.
  • I finally read “The Fault in our Stars”. I always wanted to read the book but I never could read it for long without getting bored or going into deep thought over some gems that were dropped and then time would fly. I watched the movie barely a month after it was released and I have to say, the movie has nothing on the book. The book screamed pain right from page one. It changed my outlook and perspective on terminal illnesses and the people who go through them.

All in all; the year hasn’t really taken off for me as I am kind of waiting for the news that I want to hear. Also, here are some things that I want to accomplish this year;

  • Efficiently plan how I spend my time so as not to waste it on short-term nonprofitable things
  • Become extremely good and proficient in HTML, CSS & JavaScript such that I can code a website from scratch with full frontend functionality without relying heavily on frameworks and pre-coded functions.
  • Also be far ahead I my journey to learn backend web development starting with maybe Ruby or PHP.
  • Have a minimum account balance of 1 million naira and hopefully have moved out on my own.
  • Read at least 20 non-computer books with whatever free time I have.
  • Meet more people even if I have to go out more often.

Expect a few posts soon.

2014 RETROSPECTING

“We pass through the present with our eyes blindfolded.
We are permitted merely to sense and guess at what we are actually experiencing.
Only later when the cloth is untied can we glance at the past
and find out what we have experienced and what meaning it has.”
Milan Kundera, Laughable Loves

 

I can’t say 2014 was a bad year for me neither can I call it a good year. But it was better than the previous year.

2013 was and is always going to be the worst year of my life, the ultimate lowest that I can ever get; the proverbial “rock-bottom”. I gave much away and I got nothing back, ended up losing everything. I ended up Clinical Depressed (without the Low Self-Esteem bit). I lost the ability to trust, to hope, to even care about anything anymore. I was in a very dark place, still am but it is getting better. It made me question the point of our existence; why are we really here on earth? Were we created just so we can spend all of our lives trying to get to a better place when we die? Were we created just so we could worship & praise a God who felt lonely and had to create us and then when we went wrong, He banished us and now we have to find our way back, a journey that takes the rest of our lives? WHAT IS THE POINT?

I stayed indoors 20 hours a day, I withdrew from friends & family, I subconsciously created a thick wall around my emotions & mind, making me seem like a robot most days just going through the motions; fake smiles, no pleasure in most things. I wanted to die; the only thing stopping me was the pain of dying slow. I was empty inside.

That was how I started 2014; hopeless & majorly depressed even though no one around me knew what was going on. No light at the end of the tunnel, there wasn’t even an end in the tunnel.

I made the decision to move back to Lagos after 3 years of shuffling between Benin & Abuja. This was the year I was going to use to pick up the pieces of myself. First step was getting a job, something to get me out of the house and around people each day, even though I had no idea who was going to hire a graduate without his certificate seeing as I refused to go back and collect it. The first five months were a blur; I found myself in a desultory relationship which I was able to get out of before the year ran out. I got a job in June and the only time I was ever home were the weekends. It didn’t help me deal with my problems but it did help to distract me enough times. I was finally able to get over the betrayal & an Ex. Writing about how I still felt towards her on my blog enabled me to face the feelings and find a way to do away with it. I had no one to talk to who would listen, I couldn’t afford a shrink and I couldn’t let anyone see how broken I was. I did the next best thing I knew how to and that was write, I poured it all out. Now I am over her, I am still broken, still in that tunnel with no end in sight but I have been able to create my own bright spot no matter how dim it gets sometimes and it keeps me from stumbling with every step I take.

2014 was about recovery for me and while I haven’t gotten there yet, I am moving towards it. Looking back, I can say it was a year of learning; I learned discipline. I learned more patience. I learned diligence. I learned that the wounds never really heal, you just learn to live around it. I learned tolerance. I learned to let go. I learned to make the most out of any given situation. I learned that in the end, all you really have is yourself.

There wasn’t any really standout moment for me because it wasn’t a year to make something; it was a year dedicated to picking myself up and finding my feet on the ground.

2015 is a year of structured focus. Planning and disciplined follow-through. A year to try to connect more with people, even if I am never able to genuinely trust another again.

2014 made me realize that despite how strong I came across to people, I am broken and need saving. And I tried to save myself but each time; I seemed to sink deeper into the darkness. I have given up on that but it doesn’t mean I stop living. There may be nothing in this world worth living for right now, so I just have to do is live; not for anybody nor for myself.

This is me. Broken, Lost, Dark. Just learning to live with it

2014 SAID……………….

This is a list of my Top Quotes of the Year 2014.

Some were gotten from books that I read while some were gotten from Tv or I just stumbled across it somewhere and can’t remember. I picked these ones because I felt that i could, on some level, relate to them.

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to
realize that you never really stop missing someone.
You just learn to live around
the huge gaping hole of their absence.”
Alyson Noel

“Chaos was the law of nature;Order was the dream of man.”
Henry Adams

To get the rainbow, you have to endure the rain
The Fault in our Stars

There’s no such thing as a final score,
only the next one
White Collar

A broken heart is a broken heart,
to take a measure is cruelty
Scandal

The day the phrase “love is not enough” hits you
is the day you should strive to make it work not walk away.”
@Sirkastiq

 

No matter how expensive the shoe, it still pinches when it doesn’t fit
Steve Gould – Exo

“If you spend your life sparing people’s feelings
and feeding their vanity,
you get so you can’t distinguish what should be respected in them.”
Anonymous

“Be true to yourself.
That’s something everyone says and no one means.
No one wants you to be yourself.
They want you to be the version of yourself that they like.”
Anonymous

The truth is what we determine it to be.
And it lies not in the facts, but in the telling.
State of Affairs

2014 REVIEW

9 days to the year’s end people.

Some people are dancing seeing as they were able to accomplish what they wanted while others are in a state of panic simply because they need an extra 6 months added to 2014 so they can cross off the items in their 2014 bucket list. Me? I’m chilling, no worries, and no hurry; even though I almost got nothing done this year (from a perfectionist’s perspective). But I am perfectly okay with where I stand (or sit right now) even though I could have been a lot further, I have, almost, no complaints as I believe I made the most of the limited options available to me.

I am going to be doing a series of post to review my 2014; the usual, top movies, books, songs, quotes, albums, artist and what I learned. Then I will try and round it up with a Final review examining my journey from the 1st of January, 2014 till the last day of 2014.

The first post will be coming up in a few hours while the rest will try to follow daily.