“We pass through the present with our eyes blindfolded.
We are permitted merely to sense and guess at what we are actually experiencing.
Only later when the cloth is untied can we glance at the past
and find out what we have experienced and what meaning it has.”
Milan Kundera, Laughable Loves
I can’t say 2014 was a bad year for me neither can I call it a good year. But it was better than the previous year.
2013 was and is always going to be the worst year of my life, the ultimate lowest that I can ever get; the proverbial “rock-bottom”. I gave much away and I got nothing back, ended up losing everything. I ended up Clinical Depressed (without the Low Self-Esteem bit). I lost the ability to trust, to hope, to even care about anything anymore. I was in a very dark place, still am but it is getting better. It made me question the point of our existence; why are we really here on earth? Were we created just so we can spend all of our lives trying to get to a better place when we die? Were we created just so we could worship & praise a God who felt lonely and had to create us and then when we went wrong, He banished us and now we have to find our way back, a journey that takes the rest of our lives? WHAT IS THE POINT?
I stayed indoors 20 hours a day, I withdrew from friends & family, I subconsciously created a thick wall around my emotions & mind, making me seem like a robot most days just going through the motions; fake smiles, no pleasure in most things. I wanted to die; the only thing stopping me was the pain of dying slow. I was empty inside.
That was how I started 2014; hopeless & majorly depressed even though no one around me knew what was going on. No light at the end of the tunnel, there wasn’t even an end in the tunnel.
I made the decision to move back to Lagos after 3 years of shuffling between Benin & Abuja. This was the year I was going to use to pick up the pieces of myself. First step was getting a job, something to get me out of the house and around people each day, even though I had no idea who was going to hire a graduate without his certificate seeing as I refused to go back and collect it. The first five months were a blur; I found myself in a desultory relationship which I was able to get out of before the year ran out. I got a job in June and the only time I was ever home were the weekends. It didn’t help me deal with my problems but it did help to distract me enough times. I was finally able to get over the betrayal & an Ex. Writing about how I still felt towards her on my blog enabled me to face the feelings and find a way to do away with it. I had no one to talk to who would listen, I couldn’t afford a shrink and I couldn’t let anyone see how broken I was. I did the next best thing I knew how to and that was write, I poured it all out. Now I am over her, I am still broken, still in that tunnel with no end in sight but I have been able to create my own bright spot no matter how dim it gets sometimes and it keeps me from stumbling with every step I take.
2014 was about recovery for me and while I haven’t gotten there yet, I am moving towards it. Looking back, I can say it was a year of learning; I learned discipline. I learned more patience. I learned diligence. I learned that the wounds never really heal, you just learn to live around it. I learned tolerance. I learned to let go. I learned to make the most out of any given situation. I learned that in the end, all you really have is yourself.
There wasn’t any really standout moment for me because it wasn’t a year to make something; it was a year dedicated to picking myself up and finding my feet on the ground.
2015 is a year of structured focus. Planning and disciplined follow-through. A year to try to connect more with people, even if I am never able to genuinely trust another again.
2014 made me realize that despite how strong I came across to people, I am broken and need saving. And I tried to save myself but each time; I seemed to sink deeper into the darkness. I have given up on that but it doesn’t mean I stop living. There may be nothing in this world worth living for right now, so I just have to do is live; not for anybody nor for myself.
This is me. Broken, Lost, Dark. Just learning to live with it