“Grief does not change you. It reveals you.”
He wasn’t supposed to die. If only we had gotten him to the hospital fast enough, he would still be around today. “If only”, those are the words I constantly use to punish myself nine years after I saw my dad live his last day.
Cardiac Arrest. Immediate medical attention would have saved him but we just couldn’t get there fast enough. I didn’t go with him to the hospital, there was not enough space in the car. All I did was stay home and pray and beg God not to take my dad away from me. But God didn’t listen or maybe He was too busy to care. You see good people dying senselessly while the bad keep on living and prospering and it makes you wonder what the purpose is in all this.
Losing my dad was one of the worst days of my life. It was the day I realized that “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE”. That in the end, all I really had was me. That day, I felt numb; it was too much for me to process. Until that day, I had never lost someone before so I had no idea what I felt like. Needless to say, it felt like death.
I wish I can continue to describe how that night was but I’ve never been able to tell anyone about it or even find the right words to use.
I can’t tell you why it happened because then I would get angry at the senselessness of it all. It would be like trying to explain why that bullet went stray and killed that kid who was only just playing ball around the corner, it would be like trying to explain why that car couldn’t keep its tires on the road and had to crush the lady on the side walk.
But now, when I think back through it all, I realized that there is no general order in his world, no general purpose, people die for no reason at all and wars happen and diseases come out from nowhere and kills thousands of people.
The only thing that is universal is chaos, random senseless, meaningless events and nothingness. There will come a time when all of us are dead and the only thing that remains is the chaos and nothingness that once was. That all there is and ever will be is chaos and randomness and it is up to each of us to find our own individual order and meaning in that chaos and make it all co-exist.
“Chaos was the law of nature; Order was the dream of man.”
I realized that the only reason is that which you create and give yourself and not what society preaches. The meaning and sense to it all is that which you can create out of the chaos. There is no order except that which you make.
Losing my dad made me a lot of things; I became reserved, cold, detached although I covered it up with humor. Sometimes I feel like there is a dark void inside and that I don’t really care about anything or anyone in the world and that every word I say and every emotion I express Is fake and calculated. Sometimes.
Somedays, it’s bad. And other days, it’s, well, not so bad.