This is the first assignment for the #Writing101 series for the month of September and I am supposed to just write for 20 minutes without any internal editor redacting some of what I want to say. I may fail in that regards but I have to give it my best. So here goes;
“You are too calm”
That was what my girlfriend said to me yesterday. Calm is a good thing but what she meant is that I was boring, which I know I am not. She just wanted me to be more spontaneous. Well, I have been spontaneous sometime in my past and I decided that was not the way for me.
Now this is not the first time that I have heard this type of statement used to describe me;
“You are calm, even under pressure. You never let people know what you are thinking except what you tell them.” – Ex-Girlfriend
“You are more logical that emotional” – A one-time crush
“You are someone who processes something very thoroughly before he says anything” – My future Brother-in-law
“You are too calm” – Current Girlfriend
I am going to stop here for now and let you process this before I go on.
Done yet? Okay, moving on.
What all this statements point to is that I am controlled by logic almost all the time that even when I show emotion, it feels like I am just showing the emotion that I logical allow. That is another way of saying that I am sociopathic, without the killing.
The truth is although they are right in their assessments of me, they are wrong in their formation of that assessment. My ex-girlfriend used to complain that I never let her in, one-time crush said that I never talk about myself, current girlfriend says that I listen more than I talk.
I wasn’t built that way. I used to be this shy loud nerdy scruffy dude who was awkward with conversations. But after losing my dad, my best friend and almost losing my own life to pneumonia once. I just changed, I can’t explain how or when it started but I knew that I became more aware of the people around me, my environment, and even my sub-conscious. I found myself looking at things in the most objective way possible, from every perspective. I found myself overextending to always see the bigger picture of the big picture. I realized that talking too much wasn’t cool. I found myself grooming myself to be extremely observant while making it all seems effortless.
And the result is a guy who is optimistic yet always prepares for the worst. A dreamer but always realistic. Calling things as they are and thinking too much that if feels like my mind will just explode. Somedays, it’s fun and other days it’s not fun.
I learnt to be strong by never letting anyone know what I’m really feeling and never saying what people wanted to hear but always saying what was appropriate for a particular outcome.
My ex-girlfriend once accused me of manipulating people including her friends and my response was that people wanted to be manipulated on a sub-conscious level.
Time up. So I have to stop here. Maybe I can continue this next time